he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
