ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
