I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Randomize
