dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
