Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
