I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
