I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
