Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
