My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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