When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
