Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize