Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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