what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
