Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
