I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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