it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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