TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
