the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
