I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Still dying that you shit outside
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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