I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
My ass is underappreciated
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
