you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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