Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
