Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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