I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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