The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
