Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
