yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Randomize
