i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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