I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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