1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
