I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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