My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
