Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
