Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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