I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Randomize
