On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
