I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We are all done wearing pants today
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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