I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
