Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
