Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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