the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
