y did u give ur computer a hand job?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
