The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
