It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
