Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
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