dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
