I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
