The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
