I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
