I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
