your parents love me but you hate me
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
