he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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